Walk Away
by DyrraDegan
Summary: A one-shot wherein our Exile has some serious girl talk with the least likely candidate. LSFExile/Angst/Sorry. :D


BANG!

Artificial light streamed into the Enclave courtyard as the wounded door slowly slid to the left. Catching and groaning on its gears, it shuddered to a stop a few inches shy of its destination and then began the awkward process of closing once more. In silhouette, a figure stalked out into the night muttering a stream of curses under her breath.

"…selfish…BASTARD!" the Exile muttered, reflexively gripping her fist. In spite of the dent in the eight-inch thick durasteel door, she was unharmed and itching to strike again. Pacing quickly, she struggled to gain control of her emotions, taking deep breaths and looking up at the stars.

It was impossible.

All her senses were heightened and she keenly felt the energies of those inside. They were so calm, their happiness punctuated by the occasional laugh that seeped through the walls. Their carefree haze nipped at her consciousness, a cold snap biting at the fire that raged inside her. For such sensitive beings, not one of them had even remotely sensed her distress. The only solution was to run before her temper took over.

Without waiting for her eyes to fully adjust to the darkness, she dashed ahead, instinctively hopping around the roots and rocks. The tall grass fell away in soft waves and the sound was almost like a lullaby to her.

Shhhhh…

Leaning forward, the Exile increased her pace and bounded up the pathway towards the ridge. It was one of a handful on the entire planet, entirely secluded and with a view that stretched for miles in daylight. Legs and lungs burning, she pushed to the top. Stopping shy of the edge and gripping her knees the young Master paused, attempting to gain control over herself once more. It was easier in this space without the others intruding and soon her breathing returned to normal.

The view from the ridge at night was like staring into an abyss. The air below was darker than the sky yet there was something comfortable about it. It smelled sweet like the grass below. It was a thick blanket that gently hid the distractions of daytime and she lazily pointed the toe of her boot towards the empty space. It was oddly soothing to clearly see the impermanence of her foot in comparison to the inky darkness behind. The run had forced her thoughts back into a semblance of order and her emotions had reduced to a low flame in the background. Thinking of the door once more, she smiled wryly and lowered herself into a sitting position on the grass. "I'm an idiot…" she sighed.

"About time you admitted it…" came a gruff voice to the left.

Canderous.

He was leaning casually against a tree, his hair glowing silver in the moonlight as he chomped on a cigarra and eyed her with something bordering on amusement.

"Damn it! There is literally no place where I can be alone, is there?!" she snapped, moving to stand.

"Sit your ass down, princess," he said, crossing and gently pushing down on her shoulder, "I'll be out of your hair in a minute."

With that, he ground out the remains of his cigarra and casually tossed it over the edge. As he headed towards the path down, she felt the blackness of her mood rise again and her face twisted into a deep frown.

Pausing at the mouth of the path, the Mandalorian turned towards her once more. "Say…before I go, maybe you can tell me something?" he asked.

Twisting around she eyed him quickly. He didn't appear to be setting her up, so she relaxed slightly, "Sure, what is it?"

Moving towards her, his 6'4" frame towering above, he peered down at with cool grey eyes, "What the hell is wrong with you lately?"

Her jaw clenched and her walls went up so quickly it was surprising that they didn't audibly clang. The question was unexpected and jostled her sharply. Unable to meet his eyes, she turned her head towards the darkness and managed to say, "Nothing." in as even a tone as she was capable of.

He wasn't going anywhere; he'd rooted himself to the spot and stood there calmly with his arms folded. The proximity was making her panic.

After what seemed like an eternity of silence, she turned towards him, annoyed but forcing as much of her characteristic calm into her voice as possible, "Why do you care?" she asked.

"Really, I don't," he replied, "But you've been in this mood for at least a month, wandering around with your head up your backside. I caught you exercising yesterday and right now a youngling could whip you."

Her eyes narrowed, she didn't like the rude twist he put on the word "exercising".

"You're avoiding things that need to get done," he continued, "You're also avoiding people and your mood's been so rotten that HK almost looks delicate in comparison."

"Well thank-YOU for the assessment," she snapped, standing to her full height and gesturing towards the path down, "But if you DON'T mind…"

"Actually, I DO mind," he growled, "You know who's been running this operation lately? ME. Mical's been working overtime with YOUR students, Bao's been trying to plan out sector upgrades with ZERO input from you and somehow I've become the one they whine to. Did I tell you that they stuck me with the Telosian Ambassador yesterday? You want more students, you deal with that because Sister, I ain't no diplomat and I've got my own men to deal with."

The Exile blanched at the thought of Mandalore in full armour trying to tactfully negotiate with anyone. Her jaw slowly dropped in horror as she imagined all of the things that could have potentially gone wrong. Thankfully it was Telos. Former Admiral and now President Onasi was a dear friend and quite familiar with Mandalore's distinctive style. Relations could be salvaged, but she needed to call him first thing in the morning.

"I know what you're thinking," he snarked, "And yes the ambassador is still alive, I just rescheduled. You're going to deal with this."

As quickly as it had wound up, she felt the stress evaporate, "Well…that's some good news at least," she breathed, "Thanks Canderous."

"Hu'toon…this isn't about Rand again, is it?" he asked, pulling out another cigarra.

For a moment, her breath was gone. The darkness was truly a blessed thing because it was hiding the flames of colour that she felt licking at her cheeks. Moments passed and he spoke once more, "So it is Rand…"

Her voice was barely a whisper, "How did you know?"

"I know a lot of things," he replied, lazily waggling his hand in a slow circle, "But this really wasn't too hard to work out. You get like this whenever you see him. Why is it so much worse this time?"

The Exile sighed. All this time and she'd never said a word to anyone. She'd been so careful, so certain that no one knew. How foolish of her.

"Do you know that it's been almost ten years?" she began, "In a few months it will be ten years since he first told me no."

Grey eyes peered keenly over the glowing ember of the cigarra as the Mandalorian raised a curious eyebrow.

"With Malachor gone, I asked him to come with us. To learn, to train and access all that potential that he has," she continued, "And he told me no. He said that there were other things that he needed to take care of before he'd be ready for that. So, we came here and started on the rebuild and he went right back to the belly of Nar Shaddaa. Canderous, he's been there ever since, nothing has changed from the all night rounds of Pazzak to the Juma and who knows what else. I asked him two more times to join us…years apart from one another but the answer has always been no."

"That's only half the story and you know it," he snapped, eyes narrowed, "Not everyone wants this kind of life, that's no big deal. What aren't you telling me?"

The Master gripped her wrist, her voice dropping to a whisper. "This life isn't the only thing he said no to…it's been almost ten years since he…first kissed me…"

Canderous flinched. He knew they'd always had a bond, even with distance but he had no idea how far the roots went.

"Surprised the hell out of me really," she continued, "He'd been sort of fencing with me you know, so I didn't expect it. It took me a few days to ask him about it and what he wanted. Life on Dantooine wasn't the only thing he wasn't ready for…anyhow. I was disappointed, but I wanted to respect what he needed. I was trying to do everything right so I let him go. It didn't stop us from talking though. We got closer and closer and closer. I asked him two other times over the years and got told the same thing. The last visit was…difficult…when we see each other, the feeling is stronger than ever. This time it was like I was the only other person in the universe and when I left, he missed me terribly. For a while anyhow. But then, like always, after a couple of weeks it was like something changed. Like a switch flipped and he got angry. He stopped speaking to me for the most part. The closer we get to one another, the harder he pushes me away when I leave. This time was just…too much…" she frowned.

The Mandalorian stretched and tossed his second butt of the evening. This was becoming a far more female conversation than he intended.

"…it's like he sees me, he's incredible, I respond to that, he runs and then laughs at me while I twist in the wind…" she trailed off.

"Then you're an idiot." Canderous stated simply.

She eyed him sharply.

"Replay everything you just told me in your head and imagine it was someone else telling you all that." he continued, "What would your advice be?"

She grinned slightly in spite of herself, "I'd probably ask why they hadn't learned their lesson in ten years and then ask if it would take ten more."

"Exactly," he replied, "Look, I'm not saying he's a bad guy, he may even give a damn but you've got to stop wanting him to be something he's not. You're the most serious broad I've ever met and he's ATTON RAND. You want a happy, stable life and he's ATTON RAND! Look, I remember you two together. Total opposites, but you fit together hand-in-glove. But no amount of chemistry will change what either of you really needs in life. Pull your head out of the sand, remember who he is, see things clearly and let him go."

Her fingers clenched tightly as her thoughts flooded with memories of him. The way he stood, that special glint in his eyes that always seemed to be reserved just for her, the shape of his hands, the angle of his jaw, the extraordinary feeling she got whenever he held her... Letting go was impossible.

"I…can't…" she croaked, "I've never been able to, I've tried for years and I can't do it…it's impossible…"

"Nothing is impossible," he cracked, "And you've never really tried. Continually visiting and talking is not letting go. Look lady, if he really wanted to be by your side, he would be. None of the rest of us have ever had a problem with it so what does that tell you? It seems to me that he's like a week-long drunk that leaves you with a hangover that lasts for months. Walk. Away."

The Exile was overcome with waves of nausea and fear. Atton Rand had been such a part of her life for so long that it was excruciating to think about turning her back and walking away. It wasn't that simple. Inhaling slowly through her nostrils, she murmured, "Then I've failed…utterly. In his mind, I'm not enough to really tempt him and I never could be…there's nothing I can do or say that will ever change anything…all this time and all these dreams have been a complete waste…" A knot had tied itself tightly in her throat and was threatening to strangle her. It was overcome by a sudden flash of anger, "What an idiot I am!" she spat.

"So what are you going to do about it?" he asked. His gaze was almost overwhelming as he slowly flexed his jaw waiting for her reply.

"I…I love him…utterly. But the years have tinged that with so much pain...I need to walk away." she breathed, the realization heavy in her heart, "I can't imagine how this is going to actually work, but I haven't spoken to him in a few days so I'll just try for a few more. Soon a month will go by…then six…then eight…and perhaps when I'm very old indeed there will come a time when this doesn't cut my heart out."

The Mandalorian paused for a moment, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. He'd never really seen fragility from the Exile before. It was very strange and disconcerting to him but the tide seemed to be turning. She'd made up her mind, the steps would be difficult, but she'd get there. Her demeanor was generally quite open and serene but he's seen the resiliency and tenacity that lay beneath more times than he could count. It would take time, but she'd get there.

He casually slung his arm around her shoulders and began walking, steering her towards the path down. "Tough decision," he said, "But a good one, just remember to take it easy on yourself. No more of this idiot talk. C'mon…you need to blow off some steam and the Juma's on me."

The Exile slid an arm around her old friend's waist and catching his eye briefly, she tossed him a tired smile, feeling years older than when she first arrived on the ridge. It was a relief to finally tell someone. "Thanks for the talk," she said, "Out of everyone I ever thought I would tell about all this, I never thought it would be you."

Canderous laughed a short, sharp bark, his teeth flashing in the moonlight. "What can I say? Sometimes I've got it."

"You're better than the girls," she laughed.

He gently jerked her head closer with his forearm and whispered, "Tell anyone and I'll kill you."

They disappeared into the heart of the path and the Exile smiled broadly, not doubting his words for a second.


End file.
